Saying sorry to myself
Thursday, November 17, 2011 @ 10:50:00 PM
"Lemes...... Selemeslemesnya.... Kenapa gue lebay banget kenapa sih"Udah kebal pada dasarnya, udah kebiasa, used to it banget. Gara2 one simple little thing, gue jadi ngerasa salah. Gue jadi ngerasa selama ini gue udah ngerusak semuamuamuanya. Tiba2 jadi kepikiran kemana2. Anjir lebay. Jijik sama diri gua sendiri. KENAPA SIH? Gaktau apa karena gue lagi pms atau gimana tapi jujur aja tiba2 ini beda. Rasanya beda aja gitu. Sakitnya, lemesnya, sampe ke semua badan. I feel numb. Gabisa ngerasain apa2 selain 'rasa ini'. Lebay emang TAPI GUE JUGA BINGUNG KENAPA.
"Things That Need To Stop : Myself being so selfish and stupid that causing hurt even more."
Bukan salah lo, bukan. Salah gue semuanya. Kenapa gue harus egois dan begooo banget. Saking egoisnya sama 1 hal gue sampe gak mikirin..another part of me.
"Congratulation! You've succesfully accomplished your biggest mission : Make me fall. And stop right there because everything's done"
Everything's done. Lagi2, atau apa karena gue lagi pms jadi gue gak mikir apa2 terus sekarang gue jadi asal bikin statement itu apa emang gue beneran mau. Dan selamat! Watching me as I fall because of your cleverness and my own stupidness . That's been the only thing you're waiting for this whooole whole time, isn't it? Udah kok. Sekali lagi selamat ya.
"Sometimes it's hurting, you know, holding on to nothing"
Pertanyaannya mungkin 'Apa gue baru sadar selama ini gue holding on to nothing?' jawabannya enggak, gue sadar. I was holding on to nothing so I thought, if I fall, I'll just fall into a flat surface that causes nothing. Tapi sekarang kenyataannya, I just fell into a deep black big hole with so much thorn. Jadi sekarang gue tersesat, kegelapan, gak tau harus ngapain, mau kemana, dan sakit. Sakit.
"Salah gue emang semuanya. Cara minta maaf sama diri sendiri itu gimana ya? Perasaan jd gaenak terus"
Lagi2, blaming myself. Serius, ini salah gue. Kenapa gitu, gue gabisa bilang. Disatu sisi diri gue nyesel banget, disatu sisi diri gue pengen marah2, disatu sisi diri gue mau minta maaf, disatu sisi diri gue cuma mau nangis aja.
"I'd do anything. I'd do anything just to stop this, to over it."
Please, God, I'm begging you.... I just want to stop hurting myself. And everyone.
"You have your own beautiful dreams and I do, too. It's just... 'I wish nothing but the best, for you, too'"
We both know we're having our own dreams. Dan gue janji, janji sama diri gue sendiri kalau gue gakmau ganggu mimpi lo. Lo seneng gue juga seneng. As simple as that. Cuma gue gamau datengin orang itu cuma pada saat lo butuhin atau cuma karena lo tau orang itu bakal SELALU ada buat lo.
You have no idea about what I'm talking now, don't you? Yap. Gue gak akan cerita apa maksudnya. Cuma mau ngeluarin unek2 aja karena jelas2 gue gak bisa cerita ke siapapun secara langsung. Temen paling deket pun. Because no one's ever on my side. Because all they ever see is the 'mean'me. Because no one's ever know the truth. Because no one's ever know the beginning of everything. And no one does care.
xoxo,
Gita♥